Tuesday, October 13, 2009

In short: Zombie Dead (2008)

An acting-impaired, semi-amnesiac young woman (Ai Kawanaka) wakes up in a deserted hospital. After some hospital-gown clad stumbling around, she meets a hair-impaired guy and steals five minutes of his and our lives looking for clothes, while he just wants to take her somewhere to explain something to her, or so he says.

Turns out there is an incredibly cost-efficient zombie apocalypse going on in there (highest zombie count: three) and some guys in especially ridiculous non-hazmat suits are keeping everyone (yes, all three people) in the hospital quarantined.

More corridor running follows, also more time stealing.

If you have ever suffered under the illusion that all Japanese zombie films are necessarily better than their Western counterparts, this one will cure you quite effectively, for the low, low price of one hour of your life you will never ever get back.

I hope you like pointless boredom, boring pointlessness, rubber-faced zombies who do not know if they are fast or slow zombies, non-acting and pervy "let's shoot her from below" camera angles. But wait, there's even more to make you wish director Kanzo Matsuura had never been born or at least never gotten near his digital camera!

The film also features the longest and most pointless zombie brain bashing scene in movie history. I have heard rumors people have died and returned as one of the living dead just by watching it, although it is certainly possible that the groaning noises just were snores. I, at least, have developed a sudden appreciation for the work of Bruno Mattei.

Dear reader, please don't watch this, unless a psychopath kidnaps you and it is this or slow bodily torture for you. Even then, I'm not sure which of the two choices I'd recommend.



Keith said...

When did Japanese cult cinema become such a wasteland of tedious crap? After about the thousandth "bikini schoolgirl ninja battles monsters" movie turned out to be yet another study in mind-numbing boredom, even I had to give up on the place. If I was still in high school, I'm sure I'd love these movies regardless, simply because of their stupid high concepts, but as an older man with more experience, the slapdash laziness and unbridled contempt for the audience that most of these productions showcase is simply too much to stomach.

We are a long way from the golden era of Japanese exploitation films.

houseinrlyeh said...

As far as I understand it, Japanese audiences don't want to watch bikini schoolgirl ninjas anymore and go all out for sappy romance. Which still doesn't explain this one or Onichanbara.

For me, there's still enough watchable crap (some fine pinku, the films Nikkatsu produces for aging cult film fans) landing here to keep me semi-satisfied, but much of the stuff just is depressing, I agree.