Sometimes, I start to doubt my love for Very Bad Movies and can't help but ask myself if watching things like the newest filmic ejaculation with Steven Seagal isn't just my own way of turning my brains to mush without having to ingest costlier types of narcotics. Usually, these kinds of doubts are soon dissolved by the soothing balm of a lucha movie or just about anything with Vincent Price, alas, I am not talking about Santo or Mister Price right now, instead I have taken it upon me to report on the newest achievements of Buddha (re-)incarnate, Steven "I'm not fat, I just can't move" Seagal.
This time, the barely living (movement is part of the definition of a being alive, as I remember from Biology class, so I'm not sure if the word still applies to Seagal) mound of flesh is one of the lucky survivors of the zombie apocalypse (the film calls them vampires, but it's not my fault the "scriptwriter" - and I have to use quotation marks here to protect real scriptwriters, even the sort that writes for Jerry Bruckheimer - doesn't even understand the difference between a fast zombie and a vampire) and is now the leader of a team of rather non-descript dudes and dudettes of so-called "Hunters". A hunter, it seems, is someone dressed in tight black leather (and believe me, that is a fashion style Seagal should best try to avoid in the future, lest he wants to continue looking like a less than appetizing sausage with a sword), armed with an illogical and inappropriate combination of firearms and melee weapons, who slowly, very very slowly (or "in Seagal time" as the professionals say) strolls through empty corridors and has some boring fights with randomly appearing zombies, like the main character of the least interesting survival horror videogame imaginable.
And there you have the "plot" of Seagal's epic adventure: He (well, most of the time it's his body double, but I think I'll just let that slide - one should be thankful for less Seagal in Seagal movies) and his team are slowly waddling and bore-fighting through something that is supposed to be a gigantic, empty hospital (although you could have fooled me into thinking it's a small warehouse), while another bunch of badly played "survivors" (deserving their quotation marks by somehow not having armed themselves even weeks or months after the start of the zompocalypse and being inhumanly incompetent even at the only thing they do - strolling slowly through empty corridors) has delightful adventures during the other two thirds of the running time. Delightful adventures that (as you might have guessed if I hadn't already mentioned it in parentheses) consist of slow movements through corridors, sometimes broken up by some really boring zombie attacks. Well, that, and having a little sit-down.
Oh, I nearly forgot, they all have to get out of the hospital before the generator cuts out and locks the only entrance (well, the only one if you don't count the windows the people got in through in the first place, or, you know, all the other exits the hospital is bound to have) and before the US army "sterilizes" the area to kingdom come. You wouldn't think they are under any time pressure when you watch them of course - Junji Ito's slug people would probably beat everyone here in a race without breaking a sweat.
As the discerning reader just might have realized by now, Against the Dark is mostly a classic corridor stroller skiffy/horror "action" film with added Steven Seagal body double, which is to say, even more slow and boring than other movies of its genre, thanks to the unique presence of its "star" - a mass of unhealthy looking human meat without any facial expressions to speak of that can't frigging move anymore and is still trying to pass as an action film star.
To some, this might sound like a recommendation, and you know what? I can't help you there, sorry.
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4 comments:
Also known as Steven "I'm not getting slower, it's just that there's so much more gravity these days" Seagal.
I have nothing but awe and admiration for people who are able to brave Seagal's DTV movies. His theatrical releases offered plenty of hilarity, but when pity starts creeping into it, it stops being fun for me.
This is not an experience I'm planning on repeating very soon - it was more the siren song of the zombies than Seagal that pulled me in.
It was the gravitational pull generated by Seagal's sheer density these days that pulled you in.
I highly approve of the plan to remake The Black Hole with Seagal in the title role.
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