Thursday, January 7, 2010

From Twitter 01-06-2010



  • New blog post: From Twitter 01-05-2010: Why did I just watch "Princess of Mars"..h well, at least there's 600+ wor... http://bit.ly/6yw5ZU
  • New blog post: 26 Things I Learned From The Asylum's Princess of Mars (2009): If you want to rip off James Camer... http://bit.ly/4nr591
  • And goodbye Willie Mitchell, god of producers. *sigh*
  • Dear Ursula K. LeGuin, there are some real troubles with the Google Books settlement, but Google being "the devil" is not one of them.
  • Also, why does such an important and awesome SF writer have to be such a luddite?
  • Finally coming 'round to playing Emerald City Confidential. It's quite excellent, even if you're not interested in Oz.
  • Wanna see Guardian readers act as the overblown farts they truly are? Here's your chance! http://tinyurl.com/yerd84n
  • This...this isn't very good, is it? http://tinyurl.com/y8mvarn
  • China Mieville has a blog? http://tinyurl.com/ycbt8tw
  • RT @DougSaunders: Headline of day: "Snowed-in spouses turning to adultery" (published after UK has snow for 8 hours): http://is.gd/5OvuT
  • So, the Dick estate thinks we'll confuse a cellphone with an artificial human only existing in a novel?
  • RT @FOURDK: @houseinrlyeh "In the shadows haunting the empty eye sockets of my grand uncle, I found egress to mysterious realms"


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Wednesday, January 6, 2010

26 Things I Learned From The Asylum's Princess of Mars (2009)

  1. If you want to rip off James Cameron's big smurf movie, you can do it easiest by dragging an innocent old Edgar Rice Burroughs book into it.
  2. If something is classified as "Top Secret" or not depends on its believability, and not the need to keep it a secret. My secret yet improbable Antarctic base is safe.
  3. The whole atomic structure of a US soldier fits on a 16GB USB drive. I'm not sure how that compares to the atomic structure of a mad scientist.
  4. There are at least 216 Marses (Marsii? Marsupials?).
  5. Hiding your insanely stupid plot twist only beneath a thin layer of fabric and its own stupidity is never enough when your viewer has fought through the films of M. Night Shyamalan.
  6. The powers of interplanetary understanding a kangaroo wields are a highly underrated. You shouldn't underestimate a wellplaced broken back either.
  7. Farscape was right - bugs are the universal translator; rubber maggot juice is the universal language, I hope.
  8. The Asylum really don't care if your rubber mask is in shreds, buddy.
  9. A handful of people were more impressed by the desert scenes of the third Star Wars film than I was. Unfortunately they all got together to make this movie.
  10. There is something called a "Master Engineer of the Royal Pumping Station". Alas, it's not what you'd hope for.
  11. Pee in face is a sure sign of affection from a woman you as a manly hero have hit (for her own good of course).
  12. Traci Lords once acted in a Shakespeare play when she was in highschool. She still thinks she's in it, especially when you dress her up like slave girl Carrie Fisher.
  13. Ants and spiders are basically the same thing, so you might as well call your giant ants "spiderlings". I don't know if the Martians (or is that Martian-o-216ers?) call their giant spiders "wee li'l antsies", but I hope so.
  14. Desert dwellers just love to use water and plant metaphors.
  15. Not knowing how to speak properly is no reason not to become an actor. The Asylum takes care of the talentless, the stupid, the inane and the drunk like a cheap-skate Mother Theresa of sewer-quality filmmaking with a real love for unnecessary boredom.
  16. I'm sure someone who wanders through Afghanistan carrying a sniper rifle is not an assassin, no sirree. The uniform makes all the difference.
  17. Eyes are just sooo icky.
  18. While eyeless women are like, totally beautiful, it is a tactical mistake to let your own harem of eyeless madwomen apply the acid to the eyes of new inductees. They are blind, you know.
  19. Martian princesses are so strictly monogamous that even the laws against necrophilia don't make a damn difference to them. Ah, romance.
  20. The interior of a Martian air pumping station looks exactly like that of one of those factories all shitty direct to DVD movies are filmed in, with an added CGI swirlie.
  21. Air supply is better than drugs.
  22. The Asylum can't even afford the Polonia Brothers' mom as action choreographer.
  23. Traci Lords plays a mean air synthesizer.
  24. Threatening me with a sequel to this thing is uncalled for in its cruelty. Where are those anti-terrorism laws when you need them!?
  25. The only way for me to talk about Asylum productions without becoming a gibbering wreck is by way of a numbered list of pithy remarks. I'd probably be ashamed, if Princess of Mars hadn't ripped my heart out and fed it to ants it called spiders.
  26. I can't stomach more than one of those films in a year, which means I have already filled my quota for 2010 and can celebrate with something more palatable, like an Andy Milligan flick. Hurray!
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From Twitter 01-05-2010



  • Why did I just watch "Princess of Mars"? Oh well, at least there's 600+ words of bad jokes waiting in the future of my blog.
  • Yeah, I wrote that one up while watching it. Sue me. Or better, sue The Asylum.
  • New blog post: From Twitter 01-04-2010: New blog post: From Twitter 01-03-2010: New blog post: From Twitter 01-02-2... http://bit.ly/8k5dJL
  • What Pixar people do in their free time usually impresses me more than their main films. Case in point: http://tinyurl.com/y8cxf33


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Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Three Films Make A Post: Who Will Survive And What Will Be Left Of Them?

Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull (2008): What the hell was that all about? Somewhere between making his oh so worthy Oscar bait movies and crap starring the placenta eating monster, Steven Spielberg seems to have lost his one true talent of making excellently fun popcorn films. This one was obviously written by a screenwriting robot and lacks any kind of charm, or a sense of pacing. Or fun. And just don't get me started on the plot (or rather, the complete absence of anything even vaguely resembling one).

The action sequences run on and on and on until what should be exciting becomes tedious. All this isn't helped by the fact that the CGI is just atrocious, much worse than anything a movie with this budget should get away with. I would have expected Spielberg to at least know how ants or cars look, but nope, I was mistaken.

 

Surrogates (2009): A basically great SF idea (people use remote controlled android bodies as replacements in their daily life) is wasted on a much too conservative Hollywood action/cop conspiracy movie plot I have seen a million times before - often better realized, at that. The unimaginative worldbuilding (people would be much more creative with their surrogates and their use than anything shown in the movie, just as an obvious example) kills what's left of my interest.

At least it is not trying to kill its audience through epileptic fits like Gamer did. Basically competent, but boring.

 

Witch Story (1989): For a late 80s Italian horror film, this little number about an evil child witch spirit slaughtering and possessing a bunch of hilariously foul-mouthed tweens is surprisingly not boring.

Stitched together out of undigested parts of better movies I certainly won't need to list, Witch Story is cheap, it's stupid and it's cheesy enough to fill 90 minutes quite pleasantly if your standards are as low as mine. Director Alessandro Capone uses needlessly good photography considering what he is using it for, but I'm not going to complain. After all, his name is Al Capone, and I really don't want any "accidents" to happen to my family.

Beware though - it is possible you won't remember anything beyond growling and unsexy sexy shenanigans the day after watching this and therefore remember it quite fondly.

 

From Twitter 01-04-2010



  • New blog post: From Twitter 01-03-2010: New blog post: From Twitter 01-02-2010: New blog post: From Twitter 01-01-2... http://bit.ly/64t1vk
  • New blog post: Music Monday: Satisfied Edition: Technorati-Tags: music,music monday,tony allen,doctor l http://bit.ly/8qYH9m
  • Isn't "may not be suitable for some viewers" a fitting warning for every film ever made?
  • RT @doctorow: Bono thinks that worldwide Chinese-style internet surveillance and censorship will solve piracy http://tinyurl.com/yemtro5
  • Bono in greedy little brainless fuck sensation.
  • I just saw High on Fire's "Death is This Communion" described as "too arty". Metal fans are curious people.


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Monday, January 4, 2010

Music Monday: Satisfied Edition

From Twitter 01-03-2010



  • New blog post: From Twitter 01-02-2010: New blog post: From Twitter 01-01-2010: New blog post: From Twitter 12-31-2... http://bit.ly/7okkkg
  • New blog post: In short: Death Sentence (1968): A few years ago, one of the accomplices in a robbery was killed by ... http://bit.ly/6BX8nu


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Sunday, January 3, 2010

In short: Death Sentence (1968)

A few years ago, one of the accomplices in a robbery was killed by his partners. His brother Cash - inevitably called Django in some dub versions - (Robin Clarke) was an alcoholic wreck at the time and not fit to take the mandatory vengeance.

Now, Cash is sober, only drinks milk and has grown rather good at shooting people, so it is time for him to do what is his genre-codified duty. Cash drifts from town to town, killing his brothers' former friends one by one, disturbing whatever interesting new career (honest farmer, card sharp, serial-killing preacher or Tomas Milian outrageously overacting as a gold and blondes-obsessed albino with slight psychological problems) they might have found for themselves in the intervening years.

The plot of Mario Lanfranchi's only Spaghetti Western is really just a very loose scaffolding on which to hang four episodic set pieces. This type of plotting does of course often go horribly wrong, but while I wouldn't say that the episodes are hanging particularly well together, I don't see this as a problem in this film's particular case, since they really aren't supposed to. Lanfranchi isn't out to tell a story here, but rather to reduce some of the iconic elements of the Spaghetti Western to their basics and see what might be the result of this reduction.

Turns out that what happens is something like a trip through all the elements that make the Spaghetti interesting. The mock-realistic grime, the deliberateness of every single gesture, the outrageousness of the villains, the unscrupulous hero and the jumpy narrative that drifts in the direction of the surreal when nobody is looking so typical of the Italian Western are all accounted for and presented as if the film were a fabulous little museum of the genre.

As it goes with museums, Death Sentence isn't exactly emotionally involving, but Lanfranchi's near classicistic eye for the iconic shot manages to keep one's interest up, at least if one has an interest in the Spaghetti Western and its style and content.

 

From Twitter 01-02-2010



  • New blog post: From Twitter 01-01-2010: New blog post: From Twitter 12-31-2009: New blog post: From Twitter 12-30-2... http://bit.ly/8y3lEF
  • New blog post: Iron Angels (1987): aka Angel In one of those periodically waged wars on drugs, a handful of Asian ... http://bit.ly/6lRocL
  • Did we ever mention how much we hate it when reviewers use "we" when they mean "I", "you", or perhaps "one"? Well, now we have.


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Saturday, January 2, 2010

Iron Angels (1987)

aka Angel

In one of those periodically waged wars on drugs, a handful of Asian police forces throw in with each other and actually manage to shut down most of the opium cultivation in the Golden Triangle (or "Colden Frangle", as the sub-titles call it). On paper, this is quite an achievement, but in practice this success only manages to piss of the especially nasty female gangster boss Yeung (Yukari Oshima) who now proceeds to take vengeance on the international police forces by killing or kidnapping as many cops as she and her allies can get their hands on.

This special sort of gang violence finally bothers the Americans so much that they send Commander Fong (Alex Fong) to Hong Kong where Yeung's base is supposed to be located. Fong isn't there to directly help the Hong Kong police, though, he instead - in typical US fashion - brings with him enough money to hire the Angels (not belonging to a guy named Charlie), some extra special investigators who never fail.

Boss Angel John Keung (David Chiang, leaving the action beyond flying around in a helicopter and talking into ridiculously large phones to the younger generation) puts his best people on the mission - Japanese martial artist and Angel #1 Saijo (Saijo Hideki), Moon (Moon Lee) and Elaine (Elaine Lui). Together with Fong, the quartet starts its mission of protecting the police by stealing Yeung's newest drug delivery. Their plans aren't getting any better after that.

Iron Angels, sporting something between three or four directors, is usually seen as one of the core films of the Girls With Guns sub-genre of Hong Kong action cinema, and I for one am not going to deny what the Internet says in this case, seeing how the film features two of the poster childs of the genre in form of Moon Lee and Yukari Oshima and how much the male characters are side-lined. The latter is really a good thing - Saijo and especially Fong are serviceable in their action scenes, but also dreadfully boring in their dramatic ones. The female leads won't win any acting awards either, yet all three jump into their roles with an abandon and enthusiasm that makes for truly good action film acting.

Yukari Oshima does of course do her patented evil dominatrix bit, with additional evil grimacing and crushing of men under her thighs. I think it is what the British call a "charming display of femininity", and I as someone easily falling for such things found myself quite charmed by her performance.

How much a given viewer will enjoy a Girls With Guns film like Iron Angels does not depend on the film's quality alone, but very much on a given viewer's expectations. If you go into one of these films expecting tight plotting, deep characterization or anything clever or complicated, you will most certainly be terribly disappointed. The budgets of the Girls With Guns films were usually low even for the traditional seat of your pants standards of Hong Kong cinema of the period, so scripts (if the films weren't improvised on the spot) had to be written with what was available in mind, and not the other way around, so there weren't many possibilities for doing anything fancy. Fortunately, some things were cheap in Hong Kong at the time, namely shabby industrial areas to film in, fake blood and stuntpeople and young actors willing to do any mad thing a director would ask of them.

After a rather slow beginning, the Iron Angels starts to deliver on its cheap-skate promises with a vengeance. There is much breathless and slightly mad punching, shooting and jumping to witness, some motorcycle and car stunts that look so dangerous nobody would dare to do them without heavy CGI work today. Everything of course culminates in a fast and brutal beat-down (with added explosives) that should satisfy every friend of fast and brutal beat-downs the world around.

The directors (how many they may or may not have been) don't recommend themselves through any interesting or annoying visual florishes. They know how to helm action scenes and how to keep a film moving and that's that. More importantly, that's good enough in this case.

 

From Twitter 01-01-2010



  • New blog post: From Twitter 12-31-2009: New blog post: From Twitter 12-30-2009: New blog post: From Twitter 12-29-2... http://bit.ly/878VQL
  • Happy New Year to anyone who wants/needs it. Let's hope this one's going to be better.
  • New blog post: In short: Kaw (2007): US small town sheriff Wayne (Sean Patrick Flanery) is going to be whisked away... http://bit.ly/5qreEp


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Friday, January 1, 2010

In short: Kaw (2007)

US small town sheriff Wayne (Sean Patrick Flanery) is going to be whisked away to the Big City by his newly acquired wife Cynthia (Kristin Booth) soon. Cynthia's a professor of Cultural Anthropology and initially only came to town to study the (single) Mennonite family of the place, but probably realized how ridiculous that project was and instead grabbed herself an ex-teen star.

I don't think Wayne did expect his last day as a sheriff to be filled with all the fun you have when fighting off a swarm of mad-cow-diseased, hyper-intelligent ravens who decide that now is a good time to improve their diet with human flesh.

Then there's some business about Cynthia spending half the film hiding in a well because she thinks the Mennonites want to sacrifice her. I mean, she's a Cultural Anthropologist, so she's gotta know best about the Mennonite sacrificin' ways, right?

Not that the day of school bus driver Clyde (Stephen McHattie, for some reason acting as good as if he were in a real movie) is any better. Protecting three annoying teenagers and their teacher from birds with the power of tool use ain't a tea party, either.

What starts out promising deeply derivative yet competently made 90 minutes of birdsploitation soon turns into a ridiculous pile of bad and deeply idiotic ideas delivered with all the style a film directed by some random dude the producers just grabbed from the street can muster.

I actually did like Sheldon Wilson's previous film Shallow Ground quite a bit, but that one seems to have been made by a very different person - someone who cares about making a good movie.

This isn't to say that Kaw isn't an entertaining film. In a "point and laugh at the movie" way, this can be a whole lot of fun. There are incredible amounts of lazy stupidity to laugh about, starting with the whole Mennonite business which is incredibly offensive, yet does make no sense whatsoever. Obviously "screenwriter" (and I use the term loosely) Benjamin Sztajnkrycer didn't even bother to research their religion and mores on Wikipedia, or he would have stumbled upon that whole non-violence thing.

The best, or most painful, moment goes to the birds, though. Nothing can beat the scene in which the (improved by mad cow disease!) ravens throw rocks at the school bus window to get at the tasty treats inside. Bruno Mattei himself would be proud.

Equally brilliant is the way the film keeps the characters isolated from each other in times of the cell phone. It just ignores that cell phones exist and are used by nearly everyone you'll meet in the real world. Obviously, if the film doesn't mention them, its audience won't realize that they are there. It's also possible that everything takes place in an alternative history where the cell phone was never invented, ravens are more clever than dolphins, and Mennonites are reeaaal frightening. Alas, the film never bothers to tell us.

The only thing the Kaw has going for it (well apart from surprisingly decent effects, but how cares about them in this context?) is Stephen McHattie, who puts so much more effort into his work than anyone else connected with the film that the words "tragic waste" can't help but come to mind.

 

From Twitter 12-31-2009



  • New blog post: From Twitter 12-30-2009: New blog post: From Twitter 12-29-2009: New blog post: From Twitter 12-28-2... http://bit.ly/5iPd2K
  • New blog post: In short: Graveyard Disturbance (1987): After stealing food and assorted stuff from a grocer, a grou... http://bit.ly/4VSTed
  • Snow. Lots and lots of snow. Then more snow. Excellent!
  • I wish certain games writers would stop talking about "linear plots". Sorry, but plots are by definition linear. Yes, branching ones too.


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Thursday, December 31, 2009

In short: Graveyard Disturbance (1987)

After stealing food and assorted stuff from a grocer, a group of horror film young people races away in their airbrushed van o' doom. Somewhere in the country, their vehicle decides that it's time to stop working.

Followed by mysterious animals making mysterious animal noises, our heroes soon find some ruins and decide to spend the night there. Nobody around here is all that bright, so nobody thinks it strange when some sort of medieval tavern (although with a neon sign and a TV) suddenly teleports in and opens. It can certainly only be a good idea to take a bet with the tavern owner with the blinking red eyes to spend the night until the break of day in the local cursed crypt to win a pot of gold.

Our nincompoops are surprised that the crypt is full of ghosts and ghoulies and that it is far more difficult to escape the crypt than it should be. At least the grim reaper will turn out to be not all that he's said to be.

I have to admit that I like most of the films Mario Bava's less talented son Lamberto made. While most of them aren't exactly art, the younger Bava usually manages to make his films fun.

The made-for-TV Graveyard Disturbance is unfortunately barely fun. Blame the script by Bava and enemy of logic Dardano Sacchetti, blame the lack of gore or the lack of much of anything happening for most of the movie, the fact is that there's just not much to be found on screen that has any entertainment value. Sure, the crypts are kinda nice in their cheap cardboard way and the monster make-up isn't too shabby, but those are really the only things which recommend the film.

It's like a Scooby Doo version of Bava's Demons, promising the cheesy but fun heavy metal record cover aesthetic of those films (and the van o'doom), yet only delivering scene after scene of non-characters waddling through the sets, from time to time screeching about the cuddly and harmless monsters they meet.

Thanks to the TV-heritage of the film, there isn't even any sleaze to keep the viewer awake, and the only thing shocking on display are a lot of worms and maggots.

I don't necessarily have a problem with harmless films, but Graveyard Disturbance is just too harmless to hold my interest for any amount of time. On the other hand, how often do I have the opportunity to declare a Lamberto Bava/Dardano Sacchetti cooperation to be harmless?

 

From Twitter 12-30-2009



  • New blog post: From Twitter 12-29-2009: New blog post: From Twitter 12-28-2009: New blog post: From Twitter 12-27-2... http://bit.ly/78D38K
  • New blog post: Lie Still (2005): aka The Haunting of #24 John Hare's (Stuart Laing) girlfriend Veronica (Nina Sosa... http://bit.ly/8GIhTP
  • Holy crap, KatieJane Garside sings Townes Van Zandt!
  • Rowland S. Howard RIP
  • Buy a CD at Best Buy and get a spammy version of a certain Twitter app (which is always free) for free! Or not. http://tinyurl.com/ycqd24g


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Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Lie Still (2005)

aka The Haunting of #24

John Hare's (Stuart Laing) girlfriend Veronica (Nina Sosanya) has broken up with him and also seems to have kicked him out of their shared apartment for reasons never really explained to us. Since he's out of a job and more or less broke, he rents a room in a cheap and nasty looking building owned by a much too affable man (Robert Blythe).

John's new place has other drawbacks beside looking like depression central. There's the peculiar fact that, although the house is supposed to be full of other tenants, John only ever meets or hears the mad old crone from next door who likes to hint at the stuff mad old people in horror films usually hint at with an added dose of sexual harassment.

Then there's the gravestone marked "Lie Still" in the backyard (whatever will the health department say?), the nightly scratching and hammering at John's door, the disturbing faces staring at him from his TV. A man could start to think he's living in a haunted house he can't leave because he can't afford it.

Life's getting worse and worse for John, until the only thing he can think of is calling for help from his ex-girlfriend. Veronica thinks he's just having a nervous breakdown, but disappears without a trace while watching over her ex's troubled sleep. After that, John can't even leave the house anymore. All exits only ever lead him back inside.

I don't think that Lie Still is half as bad as parts of the Internet make it out to be. It is a slow, competent little ghost story, trying to put something in the style of M.R. James' ghost stories into a less academic, modern yet still decidedly British urban background while splicing its DNA with a bit of Dionaea House, and as such, it was more or less made for me.

One has to admit the film isn't completely successful at what it is trying to do, yet its director Sean Hogan does succeed more often than he doesn't. The film has a handful of scenes I found very satisfyingly creepy, even if they aren't exactly original. We're talking things like silent unmoving faces staring out of a TV in a dark and dank room or houses trapping their inhabitants by bending the laws of physics here. Things like that seldom fail to work for me, and Hogan has a certain knack for keeping these happenings low-key enough to let them speak for themselves instead of always pointing and shouting at the viewer not to miss them, something which does the film's mood a world of good.

Of course, some of the supernatural tricks are even older than the TV bit. Even for me, it is a little difficult to get even mildly excited by loud knocks on a door or the olde "figure in a photograph moves when we're not looking" bit, even when they are less classicistically realized than they are in Lie Still.

I'm also not fully convinced by Laing's acting. He's not bad in the role, but I thought he was laying it on a bit thick in some of his breakdown scenes. Of course, seeing how tolerant I usually am when it comes to overacting, it's not exactly fair to single Laing out when more than one famous scenery-chewer gets a free pass from me.

More problematic than Laing's performance is the fact that the film never truly explores the thematic connection between the state of mind of its protagonist as someone who is lost and going nowhere and his position as victim of other lost souls trapped in another version of nowhere wanting to devour him and keeping him lost. Lie Still doesn't do anything with this; I am in fact not even sure if Hogan realized that he had this theme to work with.

On a visual level, the film goes for the grey, drab and gritty look the more clever low-budget filmmaker chooses instead of piss-coloured digital filters, anchoring the supernatural and fantastic - although the fantastic here too has a certain fitting greyness about it  - in contemporary reality. It is cheap and it surely isn't beautiful, but it isn't supposed to be.

Fortunately for me, I tend to like fictional things described with the words "urban", "grey" and "ghost story", and had a good enough time with the film. People with comparable interests could do worse than keep an eye out for Lie Still.

 

From Twitter 12-29-2009



  • New blog post: From Twitter 12-28-2009: New blog post: From Twitter 12-27-2009: New blog post: From Twitter 12-26-2... http://bit.ly/6XboxS
  • New blog post: Three Films Make A Post: In Da Hood: Murderlust (1985): A seemingly mild-mannered Sunday school teac... http://bit.ly/60y9Hs
  • Worst thing about "Deadgirl" is not how disappointing the movie is (and it is), it's those reviewers who congratulate themselves for how
  • politically incorrect they are for liking it. Because being misogynist is something to be proud of, obviously.
  • Thanks to the weather goddess responsible for the exceedingly pretty fog/frost combination.


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Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Three Films Make A Post: In Da Hood

Murderlust (1985): A seemingly mild-mannered Sunday school teacher and watchman kills prostitutes and dumps them in the Mojave desert in his free time. He has a splendid time with it, until his state of mind begins to influence his job performance.

This is one of the unending mass of US serial killer movies, here done in a local independent style, but without anything to distinguish it from all those other serial killer films, unless you always wanted to see one which is too timid to show the viewer anything untoward or interesting. No actual exploration of psychic or physical abysses here, but at least there's slow and affectless acting to help you find some sleep. Oh, and a neat Sunday school sequence, of course.

 

Bloody Beach (2000): A bunch of young and characterless young people who know each other from a chatroom go on a beach vacation together. But there is dark chatroom drama in their past. Could that have anything to do with the guy who sloooooowly slashes and stalks them in a not very interesting manner?

South Korean director In Soo Kim proves that he can make a boring, completely generic slasher movie in which nothing exciting or suspenseful happens as well as anyone else. I have of course seen much worse slashers, but those weren't as boring as Bloody Beach. Congratulations, director of generic slasher movie #2457.

 

Det Okända (2000): A quintet of Swedish grad students (biology? geology? who knows?) make a field trip into the deep dark woods. All is well except for the incessant bickering until a specimen that looks like a badly made roast sneaks into a woman's belly to start its own little invasion of the body snatchers. Aesthetically, this is one of the children of Blair Witch Project, just without an in-plot reason for the shaky cam and a lot less sense for creepy mood. It's not bad, especially in the last half hour or so when the body snatching really begins, but the script is problematic (why exactly aren't these people just leaving?) and the photography never as good as the woods the film takes place in deserve.

 

From Twitter 12-28-2009



  • New blog post: From Twitter 12-27-2009: New blog post: From Twitter 12-26-2009: New blog post: From Twitter 12-25-2... http://bit.ly/8jVppR
  • New blog post: Music Monday: Memory Diving Edition: Technorati-Tags: music,music monday,robert forster http://bit.ly/5Ve96E
  • So, there's 3 different versions of Paranormal Activity? And the director's preferred one is not on an official DVD release? Ah, Hollywood!
  • Ah, the Field Guide. Makes me nostalgic, too. http://tinyurl.com/y9txtlh


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Monday, December 28, 2009

Music Monday: Memory Diving Edition

From Twitter 12-27-2009



  • New blog post: From Twitter 12-26-2009: New blog post: From Twitter 12-25-2009: New blog post: From Twitter 12-24-2... http://bit.ly/60tzda
  • New blog post: Rambo (2008): Having broken all records for serial killers and mass murderers in his first three fil... http://bit.ly/5EYNX0
  • No favorite music list for me this year. My listening habits have been way too erratic for that, but
  • favorite album of the year still is The Mountain Goats "The Life of the World to Come"
  • I foresee a high placement for Los Campesinos! next year.


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Sunday, December 27, 2009

Rambo (2008)

Having broken all records for serial killers and mass murderers in his first three films, John Rambo (Sylvester Stallone) hides from his oh-so-dark nature in the jungles of Thailand close to the Burmese border, earning a living hunting snakes and driving a boat up and down the river.

When a small group of American missionaries and doctors tries to hire him to get them into Burma where they plan on giving the civil war haunted civilian population the dubious blessings of christianity and the more practical blessings of medicine (without carrying any visible amount of medical supplies with them, mind you), Rambo declines at first, unwilling to help these nice white people commit suicide and explaining himself by mumbling stuff like "things don't change". But the conviction of girl missionary Sarah (Julie Benz) changes his mind, and he delivers the group where they want to go, if not without a run-in with some rather nasty people Rambo dispatches with panache.

A few weeks later, another guest visits his hut. Turns out that Rambo's missionary friends have been captured by a warlord and their church has hired a small unit of mercenaries to get them out, as churches do.

The ex-soldier agrees to get them there, and although he is just supposed to be the group's boatman, takes quite a personal interest in rescuing the hostages before they are eaten by pigs. He also seems to enjoy slaughtering a lot of people.

Rambo is a schizophrenic little film. While it is obvious that Stallone (directing, writing and acting, of course) is trying hard to make a film that says something profound about human nature and violence, I have a hard time to puzzle out what exactly it is he thinks he is saying. "Violent people are good at being violent"? "Rambo needs a good therapist"? "Blood is red"? These are all good possibilities, if you ask me, and I could list arguments for all of them, but watching the film, I very soon found myself no longer caring what profound messages Mr Stallone has to convey.

Instead, the physical impact of the film's action hit me, the classic adrenaline exhilaration of a good action film. Those feelings easily add up to the message "Pretend violence is cool. And look how merrily the body parts fly!", which is most certainly not the message Stallone is going for, but the reaction the loving depiction of people ripping each other to shreds in creative and exciting ways usually produces in heartless and decadent people like myself. It's not the director/writer's fault, really, unless you want to blame him for the fact that action films are exceedingly bad at making points against violence, because pretend violence is what they are build on. I have to say that I admire Stallone a bit for at least trying, as I admire his attempts at making a film whose hero shoots a lot of Asian people that isn't racist to its core. Again, his success in that point is rather dubious, seeing that each and every character is just as deeply characterized as is useful for cannon fodder, but compared to many of the Italian jungle action films I have seen, this is golden.

So, if Rambo isn't all that effective as a message film, how good is it as an action film? Good for an American action film, I'd say, which means that it lacks the strange elegance of martial arts cinema, the relentlessness of classic heroic bloodshed era Hong Kong film or the outright insanity of contemporary Thai action film and replaces them with as much blunt, visceral impact as possible. That method often doesn't work too well for me, but in this special case I find the film's bluntness quite striking. It certainly helps that - say what you will about Stallone - the man in his roles as a director and scriptwriter knows how to pace a film, how to do escalation right and how to have his film edited for maximum physical impact, all very useful things when it comes to a supremely physical genre like action cinema.

Then there's the fact that Stallone is by far not as bad an actor as mainstream film critics like to say. He of course has only a very limited range of expression, but he seems conscious enough of his own limits to avoid making a laughing stock of himself, something that puts him far above people like Seagal, Schwarzenegger or Cruise. At the very least, he knows how to use his (admittedly by now rather disturbing) physique to get across raw presence on screen. And what more do you need in action cinema of this type?

All in all, I had more fun than expected with Rambo. Of course, when you are looking for a film that is truly as profound as this would like to be, you're probably better off avoiding it completely, but do people honestly go into the fourth Rambo film expecting to learn something new about human nature (whatever that even means)?

 

From Twitter 12-26-2009



  • New blog post: From Twitter 12-25-2009: New blog post: From Twitter 12-24-2009: New blog post: From Twitter 12-23-2... http://bit.ly/7ZLbHE
  • One returns home & to the net & one finds Mark E. Smith reading Lovecraft. Life is good. http://tinyurl.com/yez7ef5
  • Also & of course: appropriate holiday greetings to everyone!
  • New blog post: In short: Blow Job (1980): The penniless but pretty couple of Stefano (Danilo Micheli) and Diana (An... http://bit.ly/4Vd5z8
  • Wow, I always said Rupert T Davies is a bad writer, but that? Have his brains been eaten by zombies? Does he hate his audience so much?


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Saturday, December 26, 2009

In short: Blow Job (1980)

The penniless but pretty couple of Stefano (Danilo Micheli) and Diana (Anna Massarelli) is thrown out of their hotel room. Fortunately, a woman jumps out of the window of the room above them, so they are able to escape with their personal effects.

Since they are in dire need of money, the pair's next stop is a racing track. There, a rather weird one eyed woman (Anna Bruna Cazzato) promises Stefano to point him at the winning horse of the next race if he in turn promises to help her cross a mysterious gate. Stefano is either fascinated or just really really gullible and agrees.

The horse wins and Countess Angela, as is the mysterious stranger's name, brings Stefano and Diana into her mansion and into the realm of surrealist, magickally inclined weirdness. Soon another mysterious woman (Mirella Venturini) appears, and there will be a lot of sex, naked dancing and dire danger for Stefano's life energy.

Blow Job is a difficult film to evaluate. It is a cheap piece of exploitation with ambitions of home-made surrealism that holds (and keeps) all the promises of people dropping their clothes and declaiming bizarre dialogue this sort of film (when coming from Italy) usually makes. In other words, it is as mind-boggling, weird and mind-bogglingly sexualized as some of my favourite films. However, director Alberto Cavallone seems determined to give the naked jazz dancing and the weird-acting people a grounding in magickal theory and esoteric thought. I take Cavallone to be a true believer, and as it goes with the works of true believers, there's a lot of stuff in the film only another true believer will care about. It is nice that an Italian weirdo exploitation horror for once is trying to explain what's going on in it, but its new age babble mostly tends to weaken the pure effect the unexplained weird would have achieved.

This doesn't mean the film is unwatchable. Or rather, it will certainly be completely unwatchable for people who already capitulate when confronted with the much milder and a lot more logical films of someone like Jess Franco, but that's really not my problem.

There are enough moments of cheap, dream-like beauty and an excellently silly orgy sequence to make up for the magickal theory, and I for one find it hard to criticize a film too much when it is so determined to be exactly what its director pictured in his mind, even if what that director pictured is a little stupid and quite insane and will drive half of any potential audience away.

It's just that I think Cavallone should have followed the advice he gives his characters in the film and should have just let go of all those explanations.

 

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Yeah, I wasn't there

That's what a PC making a Christmas present out of suddenly breaking will do to you.

I'm still not really here, so you - oh digital audience - will have to wait until the 26th until I provide more and improved rambling on movies, movies, and more movies.

And, of course, Happy Holidays!

Saturday, December 19, 2009

From Twitter 12-18-2009



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  • New blog post: On WTF: The Screen at Kamchanod (2007): Yeah, I know, Asian horror is out and I'm supposed to only w... http://bit.ly/4AhASm


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Friday, December 18, 2009

On WTF: The Screen at Kamchanod (2007)

Yeah, I know, Asian horror is out and I'm supposed to only write jaded and borderline racist reviews about the films I get to see, but you know what? There might be a lot of crap coming from Asia, but not more crap than from any other part of the globe and when something good comes along, I'll call it good.

As is the case with this week's review on WTF-Film, concerning a very fine piece of filmmaking from Thailand.

 

From Twitter 12-17-2009



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  • $60 is the price of "an affordable hardcover"? I don't think so.


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Thursday, December 17, 2009

In short: The Final Executioner (1984)

A surprising amount of people has survived the inevitable nuclear blow-out. The rich, evil as always, have kept themselves safe from radiation in their evil rich people bunkers underground. But living in a bunker gets boring, so they invent the best hobby ever (just ask Count Zaroff) - hunting the irradiated poor on the surface for sport, well nominally to "cleanse the Earth", but you know how it goes.

Decades later, the electronics expert Alan Tanner (William Mang) finds out that there's really no reason for hiding underground and holding manhunts anymore. The sick and irradiated have long been killed off, so there's no danger for humanity anymore (it's The Future, so don't try to understand his ideas with your puny contemporary mind). Alas, Alan is not getting a reward for his revolutionary insight, but is declared a hunting target.

Transported into a hunting zone on the surface, Alan witnesses the gang rape and murder of his wife by the hunting group of a certain Edra (Marina Costa) and her rival Erasmus aka He-Who-Weareth-Leather (Harrison Muller Jr.). With luck, the gravely wounded man escapes and is found by the aging post-apocalyptic badass Sam (Woody Strode) who goes all martial arts sensei on him.

After much running through flames and crawling under barbed wire, Sam declares Alan ready to take his vengeance.

So Alan sneaks back to his enemies' base in a nice old villa, and begins his slasher style slaughter of justice. Hurray.

Romolo Guerrieri's The Final Executioner doesn't exactly rock my world. While the basic idea of doing a post-apocalyptic version of the old The Most Dangerous Game trope is sound, the film lacks the charm and the overabundance of silly yet fun ideas I love about the Italian post-apocalyptic action film. The world building is rather bland and unexciting and definitely missing in cyborgs, mutants and Fred Williamson dressed up as gay disco Robin Hood.

"Bland" is also the description that fits the film's characters a little too well. When Woody Strode is your most memorable actor, your film has an excitement problem; when a non-descript guy in leather wearing a white scarf is the most creative your baddies get, your excitement problem isn't exactly getting smaller.

Having said that, I don't want to come down to hard on the film. Guerrieri might not have made the most colourful post-apocalyptic action film, but the pacing is not too bad and the final cruel slaughter our supposed hero commits may not be too exciting, yet it also isn't boring. It's just like everything else in the film - a little too low-key for its own good.

However, if you can keep your expectations under control, you can probably have a mildly good time with The Final Executioner. After all (and alas!), they can't all be Warriors of the Wasteland.

 

From Twitter 12-16-2009



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  • New blog post: Bach Ke Zaraa (2008? 2009?): An archeology professor has found an evil book of magic - the sort that... http://bit.ly/92Fi7Q
  • I wish The Internet would learn that "I don't like it" does not equal "It is shit".
  • Author meltdown on Amazon, with !bonus "Harriet Klausner is a great reviewer" bizarreness. http://tinyurl.com/yjg3qa7


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