The Horror!?: Things I Thought While Watching Conan The Barbarian (2011)

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Things I Thought While Watching Conan The Barbarian (2011)

for it's really not worth a proper review. Yes, I know I've reviewed much worse films.

Oh hey, it's another Robert E. Howard adaptation that has fuck all to do with the stories it's supposed to adapt. Now if it were at least good…
The Hyborian age was so brown, people even bled a brownish hue. Remember when movies had colours in them?
Wait, so Jason Momoa is Ron Perlman's son? I think that's the sort of situation paternity tests were invented for.
CUT OUT OF HIS MOTHER'S WOMB ON THE BATTLEFIELD! EXCLAMATION MARK!
Li'l Conan shows all the signs of becoming a psychopathic serial killer. I would not suggest forging a sword for him, but then I'm not Ron Perlman. Also, now I want to watch an all ages cartoon show named "Li'l Conan".
Slow motion horsemen. I dunno how they ever manage to ride down anyone, what with them moving much slower than normal riders or people on foot.
You gotta love how these war-like non-nomadic Barbarian movie tribes always have no defensive structures whatsoever at their places of habitation and always seem completely unprepared for any attack.
Ron Perlman prefers death to being in this movie any longer. I do understand, Ron, I really do. The bad guy doesn't, though, so he just has to hold out for one scene longer. Say "War. War never changes", Ron!
Is denositation a word? If it is, that's what Conan's good at.
These barbarian tribe members all have fantastic teeth. Except for most of the bad guys, of course. I imagine time travelling dentists with high morals are to blame.
Aha, so all the actual Howard stuff happened between little Conan shouting "Grraaaaar" and becoming Jason Momoa so that there's room for the crap the scriptwriter came up with instead of Red Nails.
And now he's a leading member of a gang of hard-partying pirates.
Conan is way too fond of decapitations for comfort. And of torturing people and then being a dick to them afterwards. I thought he was a Cimmerian, not an American.
The Shadowlord? But which one? And where is Lord British?
Conan has known his pirate friends since he was a child, but he only now mentions the name of the guy who killed Ron Perlman (and wiped out Conan's tribe, but that's obviously not worth mentioning). He's only playing to the camera.
Hooray for martial arts monks!
In a surprising twist, Rachel Nichols is actually allowed to be competent in a fight.
It's rude to discuss the property rights to a woman in front of her. I think.
"Woman! Come here! I said, come here!". That element of Howard they did not change.
Stop the press! The big bad has a motivation apart from being evil!
They're bickering and he's tying her up. Obviously, these two are meant for each other.
"Why would you save me only to tie me up?"
My incest sense is tingling.
I think someone responsible for the production mixed up Conan and the Punisher.
Exploding barrels! Why didn't I invent them? I'm sure I'd be rich now.
You know, I'd totally watch a movie about Rachel Nichols' character having swashbuckling adventures instead of the one about Jason Momoa avenging his father in a very brown land.
So Conan is a grunter during sex. Who'd have thunk?
Obligatory kidnapping of female lead so we can have more scenes of Conan scowling and mumbling through his dialogue. Which is what this movie thinks is "being heroic and badass". Bored now.
Why isn't this scene awesome? It has Conan fighting a tentacle monster below him and bad guys around him while also trying to protect a thief companion. There are cages and chains. And yet it's still not very exciting at all. I don't think Marcus Nispel is all that good at this directing lark.
"Behold - in despair - your new master!". I wouldn't work as a henchman for this guy, but then I am something of a wimp.
"Barbarian, I don't like you anymore". I assume when they taught smack talk in villain school, Mister Bad Guy did not attend.
Dual-wielding broadswords looks dumb.