Things That Went Through My Mind While Watching The Asylum's "The Almighty Thor" (2011)

 

• In Asgard (or Ess-Guard, or Esger, as it's pronounced here by varying characters), no one can hear you scream.
• Unlike real lava, digital lava has no need to follow the laws of physics.
• Oh look, it's Skeletor, but with Richard Grieco's face! Well, what's left of it since Mickey Rourke's plastic surgeon began his work on it.
• The Norse invented Monument Valley.
• Not being able to speak properly is no hindrance to a starring role in an Asylum movie.
• I can't even make a joke about the Norns (or Nerns, as some of the actors call 'em), seeing as I already made one about "actors" unable to speak.
• Is Wahalla close to Waikiki?
• Remember colour? The director sure didn't.
• The Norse Gods in this movie are less competent than your usual slasher victim.
• Talking of Norse Gods, why the hell does Odin have two eyes and no ravens? You'd think even a writer for this house of pain could afford a minute with Google. Or with some of the Marvel comics whose adaptation this is supposed to rip off.
• If you fuck with the mythology, why not do it in an interesting or clever or entertaining way? Yeah, I know, The Asylum.
• Thor has been eaten by a grue.
• Hot legwarmer action!
• Never film a fight scene in slow motion when you can't afford an action choreographer.
• Alas, Thor has not been eaten by a grue.
• "And your tree of life is finished!"
• Stuff Thor really shouldn't be saying: "I don't believe in fate."
• Come to think of it, why is Thor whining and complaining all the time?
• "YESSSS!!! NOOOOO!!!!"
• The modern world is very blue.
• Guns? Really?
• Hot Richard Grieco walking around slowly action!
• Most boring swordfight between two dual-wielding guys ever?
• Glad to see the tree from The Fountain is still getting work.
• So, this Hammer of Invincibility? Why are its owners always getting beaten in a fight? Sure it's not the Hammer of Incompetence?
• "Why is everything I do on my own wrong!?". Because you're an idiot, Thor.
• Thor, please, please, die.
• I'd love it if the film turned into torture porn for its last thirty minutes and Thor would be slowly hacked into little pieces. That would be the only way to make the "hero" of this thing less annoying, hateful and stupid.
• Didn't we have this discussion already four times before? Well, The Asylum had to bring the "film" above ninety minutes of running time somehow.
• And here I was complaining about the Clash of the Titans remake.
• The way Grieco's talking, you might think "Muspelheim" is pronounced "Moss Pellet".
• Oh great, it's another scene of Thor whining.
• "The US military is doing their best to respond to the threat." Oh yes, they're attacking with all three of their CGI fighter jets and a helicopter!
• "Ragnarök!" (or, yanno, "Ragna-RAWK!") is Loki's new catchphrase, it seems.
• As dear Roky Erikson says, "I never have the bloody hammer! I never have the bloody hammer!"

 

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