Things I Learned From Watching Paranormal Activity 2 (2010)

(Well, it was either this, or a long and annoyed rant about how wrong this and a bunch of other POV horror movies got Blair Witch Project. I chose what's better for my blood pressure.)

• Retcons are alive and well and now living in crappy horror prequels.
• If there's one thing demons like, it's haunting annoying and boring people. See also movie number one. You go, demons!
• The life of a Magical Latina ain't easy.
• That shot of the swimming pool in which nothing happens isn't getting more exciting by permanent repetition.
• Astonishingly enough, the same goes for all those other repeated shots where nothing happens. That's not how suspense works.
• Doors still aren't scary. Well, not Paranormal Activity's doors.
• Automatic pool cleaners are like, totally fascinating. Just ask the demon. Or this movie.
• If a Ouija board was used in the first movie, you gotta have one in the second one too, or else the audience will become confused by the daring differences between the two.
• Ghosts aren't persistent, unlike demons, who are like, evil.
• "Oi! Stepmom! Did your Granny make a pact with a demon for wealth and sold the life of your firstborn son?" is not the sort of question a wholesome American girl will ask her stepmother directly. Or else this film would be a lot more entertaining (and probably shorter, but that's the same in this case) than it is.
• Opening kitchen cupboards is an especially evil and disturbing thing for a demon to do. I'd recommend taking out the  garbage once in a while, too.
• When a demon wants to play fetch, it really wants to play FETCH.
• There are stupid explanations a sequel delivers for what happened in a first movie, and then there's what Paranormal Activity 2 does. You just gotta love it when a sequel makes its predecessor retroactively worse.
• Micah was killed on October 8th, 2006. And I remember being pretty happy about it.
• There's nothing wrong with this movie that couldn't have been fixed by a total re-write and some imagination in the direction. Or just not making it at all, but that would of course be asking too much.

 

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