Wednesday, January 6, 2010

26 Things I Learned From The Asylum's Princess of Mars (2009)

  1. If you want to rip off James Cameron's big smurf movie, you can do it easiest by dragging an innocent old Edgar Rice Burroughs book into it.
  2. If something is classified as "Top Secret" or not depends on its believability, and not the need to keep it a secret. My secret yet improbable Antarctic base is safe.
  3. The whole atomic structure of a US soldier fits on a 16GB USB drive. I'm not sure how that compares to the atomic structure of a mad scientist.
  4. There are at least 216 Marses (Marsii? Marsupials?).
  5. Hiding your insanely stupid plot twist only beneath a thin layer of fabric and its own stupidity is never enough when your viewer has fought through the films of M. Night Shyamalan.
  6. The powers of interplanetary understanding a kangaroo wields are a highly underrated. You shouldn't underestimate a wellplaced broken back either.
  7. Farscape was right - bugs are the universal translator; rubber maggot juice is the universal language, I hope.
  8. The Asylum really don't care if your rubber mask is in shreds, buddy.
  9. A handful of people were more impressed by the desert scenes of the third Star Wars film than I was. Unfortunately they all got together to make this movie.
  10. There is something called a "Master Engineer of the Royal Pumping Station". Alas, it's not what you'd hope for.
  11. Pee in face is a sure sign of affection from a woman you as a manly hero have hit (for her own good of course).
  12. Traci Lords once acted in a Shakespeare play when she was in highschool. She still thinks she's in it, especially when you dress her up like slave girl Carrie Fisher.
  13. Ants and spiders are basically the same thing, so you might as well call your giant ants "spiderlings". I don't know if the Martians (or is that Martian-o-216ers?) call their giant spiders "wee li'l antsies", but I hope so.
  14. Desert dwellers just love to use water and plant metaphors.
  15. Not knowing how to speak properly is no reason not to become an actor. The Asylum takes care of the talentless, the stupid, the inane and the drunk like a cheap-skate Mother Theresa of sewer-quality filmmaking with a real love for unnecessary boredom.
  16. I'm sure someone who wanders through Afghanistan carrying a sniper rifle is not an assassin, no sirree. The uniform makes all the difference.
  17. Eyes are just sooo icky.
  18. While eyeless women are like, totally beautiful, it is a tactical mistake to let your own harem of eyeless madwomen apply the acid to the eyes of new inductees. They are blind, you know.
  19. Martian princesses are so strictly monogamous that even the laws against necrophilia don't make a damn difference to them. Ah, romance.
  20. The interior of a Martian air pumping station looks exactly like that of one of those factories all shitty direct to DVD movies are filmed in, with an added CGI swirlie.
  21. Air supply is better than drugs.
  22. The Asylum can't even afford the Polonia Brothers' mom as action choreographer.
  23. Traci Lords plays a mean air synthesizer.
  24. Threatening me with a sequel to this thing is uncalled for in its cruelty. Where are those anti-terrorism laws when you need them!?
  25. The only way for me to talk about Asylum productions without becoming a gibbering wreck is by way of a numbered list of pithy remarks. I'd probably be ashamed, if Princess of Mars hadn't ripped my heart out and fed it to ants it called spiders.
  26. I can't stomach more than one of those films in a year, which means I have already filled my quota for 2010 and can celebrate with something more palatable, like an Andy Milligan flick. Hurray!
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