Unlike the lying title suggests, shock rock outfit The Clowns isn’t exactly on tour – they seem to have a longer residence someplace. I’m pretty sure pretending to have one venue is difficult enough for this stinker, so a tour bus is really out of the question.
Someone using one of the band’s patented “Kiss with a big afro” outfits
murders random women around the place the band is playing at, from time to time
going off into victim killer exchanges like “Can I do something for you?” –
Who, oh who might the killer be? One of the band members? The roadie who
likes to put on their make-up because he’s too shy to speak with girls
otherwise? The other roadie with the drug problem? The mild-mannered manager?
The judgmental cop? Wake me up when they know!
For truly, what strikes me most about Don Edmonds’s Terror on Tour
is how sleep-inducing it is. I do have quite a bit of patience for films trying
to get by despite the difficulties that come with working under the
curse of the combination of a tiny budget, a wonky script and little of import
happening, but this thing had me yawning early on, and I never felt myself
getting any less sleepy. The best you get here is one line or two like the one I
quoted earlier about every twenty minutes to keep you awake, otherwise it’s
boring, one slash and they’re dead, murders, boring, badly lit sex scenes –
actually, that’s unfair, all scenes are boring and badly lit here though you
gotta look with horror at a film where even the nudity is this boring
–, acting that’s bad in the least interesting and slowest manner, static
direction that has a distinct vibe of early sound film surrounding it, and,
well, that’s really it. The music’s pretty bad, too, but for a rock band based
slasher, even it keeps to the undistinguished and boring style the rest of the
films very slowly wallows in.
Did I mention this is really boring and slow?