Friday, July 5, 2013

I Watched Robo Vampire (1988!?), and this is what I learned

  • Snakes can fly (okay, are thrown from off-camera), so humanity's only hope are very large machine guns.
  • Those machine guns won't help against hopping vampires
  • Strangulation and a pleasant massage of the throat are very similar things.
  • The easiest way to get rid of "anti-drug agents", is to kidnap a bunch of hopping vampires and let them loose on said agents.
  • Don't smoke while handling vampires.
  • Hopping vampires don't need stairs.
  • The hopping gentlemen get miffed when coming into contact with fake drugs.
  • Nobody will ever notice if you dub your film with four actors "doing voices".
  • I really don't want to be reincarnated as an animal in an old Hong Kong or Taiwanese movie.
  • "Orientals are a stubborn race".
  • Drug dealers can still be big softies at heart, the kind of people saying "YES!" to ghost/hopping vampire marriages. ROMANCE!
  • Turning your former associate into an "android-like robot"/"robot-like android" is typical water cooler chat in anti-drug agency land (but keep it a secret!).
  • Water torture is cheap and easy.
  • It's not important to understand who these people are or what they are talking about, it's only important to wait for hopping vampires and RoboWarrior™.
  • RoboWarriors™ are not very good against the more acrobatic hopping vampires (Acropires?). Or bazookas, for that matter.
  • Vampire/ghost romance is so, so erotic. If you're really into dead people (one of whom wears what looks a lot like a mutant gorilla mask, while the other can't act even better than the rest of the cast) pressing their hands together, that is.
  • "You can kill us but wait 'til our love's consummated!"
  • RoboWarrior™ is a big old softie too.
  • I think smoke might be a visual metaphor for you-know-what in this film. It's quite Freudian, really, just without the cigars.
  • Go for the eyes, Boo!
  • In commando (or whatever these people are) training, an aspect that isn't taught is spatial awareness, or as laymen call it, "looking around".
  • Hopping vampires are, like Gamera, ass-rocket-driven flyers.
  • There is little in life more exciting than a climactic chase between a hopping vampire and a slooooooowly moving android-like robot.
  • I want a randomly and without transition appearing quartet of hopping vampire henchmen to do my household chores! I'd be okay if they stepped out of harmless explosions, too.
  • Only ever use your in-built flame thrower during the last minute of your movie.
  • Godfrey Ho and T(h)omas Tang know what you want, but will only give it to you if you are willing to wade through the boring parts with the drug agents.


Todd said...

See? Robo Vampire is educational, too. If you could eat it and use it to cure common illnesses, it would be the only movie you ever need.

houseinrlyeh aka Denis said...

Someone should write a script for the browser of your choice that replaces the words "Chuck Norris" with "Robo Vampire", too. Project More Educational Internet.

vwstieber said...

I wish for a better DVD of this than the horrible "Eastern Horror" double feature. It's horrible ;)

houseinrlyeh aka Denis said...

But then I'm not sure the ROBO VAMPIRE experience would be improved by a decent DVD. Watching this on a shoddily produced DVD - or on YouTube, for that matter - seems to me very much in the spirit in which Filmark produced their movies.