In short: Perfect Strangers (1984)

aka Blind Alley

Johnny Ross (Brad Rijn) is working as a “subtle” killer for the New York mob. He’s a bit of their pet killer because there’s apparently nothing connecting him to the life of crime whatsoever. That changes when the toddler Matthew (Matthew Stockley) witnesses Johnny’s newest killing.

Johnny’s not that kind of asshole, so he doesn’t do anything to the kid. His bosses are very unhappy about the decision. After all, Johnny’s going to be completely useless in the future with a witness who can’t even talk or walk too well hanging over him. In fact, to the mafia he’s going to be completely useless even if he’s only getting arrested once without any actual legal trouble, for…reasons. The only way out of the problem is for Johnny to charm himself into the life of Matthew’s mother Sally (Anne Carlisle) and arrange an accident for the kid. Which makes total sense, I’m sure.

The films of Larry Cohen often have a messy quality about them, with plots that don’t always hold up to logical scrutiny, and an approach to any given scene that puts a heavy emphasis on adlibbing. The former, Cohen often makes up for with dark humour, heavy New York local colour and the ability to make his audience believe that any crazy shit can and will happen in one of his movies.

The latter adds charm and fun when he’s working with actors like Michael Moriarty, who live for that sort of thing. In the case of Perfect Strangers, alas, even a kind viewer will have to admit that Brad Rijn is no Michael Moriarty – in fact, Rijn’s the sort of actor who looks so uncomfortable in front of a camera, I wouldn’t trust him with fully fleshed out and thought through scenes. To make matters worse, the poor bastard’s improvisational partner in too many scenes is a sodding toddler, a breed that does not tend to give a guy hanging on the ropes a “yes, and” or a “no, but”.

Unlike in your typical Cohen film, there’s not much help from any character actors to find either. Only female lead Anne Carlisle and Ann Magnuson (who at least knows how to act in front of a camera) do much that’s worth a damn there, despite some really Cohen-typical funny set-ups for shenanigans with a mafia boss who is also a barber, some business with a private eye with a heavy German accent, and so on.

On the positive side, while it is terribly messy, the film has moments where it becomes bizarre enough to be interesting. There is, for example, an absurd suspense scene where Matthew wanders through Johnny’s apartment while our protagonist tries to hide him from mafia goons, played perfectly straight as if this were a sensible thing to base a suspense scene on.

If that sort of thing is enough for anyone but me and other weirdoes is anyone’s guess, but at the very least, Perfect Strangers tries not to bore its viewers too much.