Saturday, August 27, 2016

Things Pray for Death (1985) Taught Me

  • Never marry a ninja – you’ll only end up murdered by a non-British guy called Limehouse Willie so your husband can go on a final killing spree wearing a silly helmet. 
  • Never murder the wife of a ninja – you’ll only end up murdered by a ninja wearing a silly helmet.
  • Ninjas really shouldn’t wear helmets, particularly not the silly kind.
  • Being proud of one’s children is wonderful, and I’m sure a parent’s heart’ll melt watching them doing kung fu, attempting to act and so on, and so forth. For your film’s actual audience, kid participation hour will only bring the kind of pain that’ll haunt your kids’ careers (such as they are when we’re talking about Shane and Kane Kosugi, which probably proves my point) to the end of their days.
  • If you choose to include your kids in a movie as if it were a particularly nasty variation on a holiday slide show pressed on total strangers, including a scene where one of them beats up mafia goons while disabling others with his McGyver-ed mountain bike will either go a long way to make said kid even more vile to any given viewer, or make her break down with tears of laughter.
  • Ninjas aren’t meant to fight non-martial artists. It’s like watching mosquitoes shot down with an assault rifle.
  • Gordon Hessler was not meant to direct martial arts cinema of any kind. Not even ninja films.
  • Godfrey Ho knew what he was doing.

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