A bunch of survival game mad college idiots going by the moniker of “The Zero Boys” under the leadership of one Steve (Daniel Hirsch) – easily identified by a lack of facial expression that I suspect is supposed to read as cool but doesn’t – their girlfriends, and Jamie (Kelli Maroney), the girl whose presence Steve won from a Nazi regalia wearing Jew (please don’t ask), are invading a backwoods area. Because that’s the kind of people our heroes are, they make themselves at home in an empty house and are more than just a bit surprised when the local crazy backwoods killers – counting among their number Joe Estevez hiding under the nom de plum of “Joe Phelan” - start stalking them.
Alas, the Zero Boys are carrying “perfectly legal” semi-automatic uzis, and
the backwoods folk are some of the most incompetent of their kind.
Welcome back to the wondrous world of Nico Mastorakis, where at least half of
the lines the characters have to deliver make little sense, and the other half
sound utterly ridiculous, where a bunch of stupid teen survivalist assholes are
supposed to be our heroes, and where not enough of said assholes die. The last
bit is somewhat understandable, for to make more then a half hour epic out of
the adventures of our protagonists – such as they are – the killers really had
to be written to show as little competence as possible too. Getting through
Zero Boys means watching a backwoods slasher where not just the meat
are the expected idiots (and by gawd, they are), but where the killers act so
incompetently they’re probably temps working the backwoods beat while the more
competent cannibals and crazy people are on vacation in Ibiza.
To add insult to injury, Mastorakis doesn’t even bother to give his
characters at least slasher character shorthand traits, so it’s difficult to
remember anyone apart from Jamie and Steve. In fact, I’m not even sure anymore
how many members the Zero Boys had, an hour after watching the thing. I should
probably have taken notes like a responsible blogger but the film probably
should have had a script beyond some notes scribbled on a napkin, so I’m still
good, I believe.
This isn’t too say The Zero Boys isn’t fun to watch. In typical
Mastorakis fashion, the bullshit flies hard and fast, with hardly a scene going
by that doesn’t contain at least some low level bit of adorable nonsense or a
“what the hell were they thinking” moment like when Jamie and Steve have a heart
to heart about her boyfriend that’ll have you gasping for air. If that’s not
enough for you, apparently this was shot on the same locations and sets as the
3rd Friday the 13th film and definitely contains many a bad Jason
reference to really rub our noses in it, so you can really feel at home.