Tuesday, March 15, 2011

I Watched The Asylum's Sherlock Holmes (2010). I Took Notes.

  • Elderly Watson (who looks quite un-wrinkled for the eighty years plus he must be old) prefers to watch the Blitz from his lighted second story window; blackouts are for the weak.
  • So wait, Holmes's least known case is one that had dinosaurs cavorting through London and the city attacked by a mechanical fire-breathing dragon? I blame marmite for Londoners' bad memories.
  • Producing CGI tentacles that move like bad stop motion tentacles must be some sort of achievement, I'm sure.
  • Ten minutes in, and I already wish for Matt Frewer as the superior Sherlock Holmes actor; at least that guy's a professional actor. Of course, even good old wooden uncharismatic Ianto from Torchwood aka Watson looks like an actor of immense presence and talent in comparison to today's Holmes.
  • What's with his voice? No, honestly, what's with his voice? And his line delivery? He's reading all of his lines off a teleprompter, isn't he?
  • Remember Sherlock's brother? Thorpe? The one who was Lestrade's "partner" (stop crying!) at Scotland Yard?
  • Remember how Sherlock always leaves the physically dangerous jobs to Watson in the books while smirking like an imbecile? Nope, me neither.
  • The john's name is John! Soooo funny! Looking forward to someone stepping on a banana peel next.
  • Who knew that Watson would be the junkie's favourite doctor?
  • Holmes declines the application of drugs. What's next, a big speech about his hatred of cocaine?
  • "Show us your search warrant, then" is surely a sentence every shady working class man in Victorian London uttered dozens of times.
  • "Is your workforce made of illegal immigrants?" - wait, am I watching Machete again? Can't be, that one did not generate the wish to be blind and deaf in me.
  • Flashbacks to something that just happened the scene before are so useful. If your assumed audience has the short term memory of a fly. Which would also explain how much this film stinks.
  • Thorpe Holmes is Iron Man!
  • So, Sherlock's real first name is Robert. This Holmes really is more of a Robert, too. Bob Holmes, consulting detective, yeah, that has a special sound to it. Or is this film the story of a guy named Robert pretending to be Sherlock Holmes for fun and profit and making a very bad impression on the world? I'd rather watch that.
  • Come to think of it, what's Thorpe's real name then? Dick?
  • Isn't a robot assassin girl bomb and a mechanical dragon a bit of overkill when your plan is…what is our bad guy's plan anyway, except exploding Buckingham Palace? Come to think of it, why does the mechanical dragon roar?
  • Holmes is a bit like Batman in that he doesn't use guns. Well, except in anything featuring him not "written" by the genius responsible here.
  • Machine gun airship versus mechanical dragon should be awesome, shouldn't it? Too bad that it's in this film and realized accordingly.
  • Elderly Watson is so ashamed of the crapness of his story that he dies right after telling it. I sympathise.
  • 58 years later, and robot assassin girl bomb hasn't had a change of clothes.
  • It's frightening to realize this isn't the worst movie produced by the Asylum I've seen. These people are responsible for altogether too many dead brain cells. Someone should sic dinosaurs on 'em.



Doug Bolden said...

"So wait, Holmes's least known case is one that had dinosaurs cavorting through London and the city attacked by a mechanical fire-breathing dragon? I blame marmite for Londoners' bad memories."

This was my absolute favorite conceit of the whole movie, that Holmes' least known case would, basically, be the only one that would never have required Watson to catalog it. Unless maybe Londoners choose to disbelieve their own eyes until it is out in hardback?

houseinrlyeh aka Denis said...

Or it might be Londoners were distracted by something more important, like the cricket results?