Tuesday, January 18, 2011

I Watched Troll 2 (1990), And Here's What I Learned

  • There are Little People, and then there are Little People of the Night.
  • Laura Gemser became a costume designer to take revenge for her work with Joe D'Amato. Her anger is a terrible thing to behold.
  • Never trust a mad-looking girl with pencilled-on freckles.
  • Half plant, half man, full nutrition.
  • Grandpa Seth is just an invention of Claudio Fragasso's subconscious.
  • Teenagers and goblins are basically the same thing.
  • Friends are the cause of virginity.
  • There's no family trouble that can't be repressed by loudly singing "Row Your Boat", and ten years of therapy later on.
  • Grandfatherly ghosts are so badly paid they have to moonlight as hobos.
  • All farmers are going to bed before sundown.
  • Some people will eat the green goo but not the boyish urine.
  • You can't piss on hospitality.
  • Spears work differently on planet Claudio.
  • "My ancestors came from Stonehenge" is a potential way to introduce oneself.
  • Even ghosts can have a bad sense of direction.
  • Coffee is the devil's drink. Goblins prefer milk.
  • "Nilbog" is "goblin" spelled backwards. Dr. Acula approves of this message.
  • The vegetarian cannibal religion is more complex than anyone could have suspected.
  • There are no beautiful liberated girls in the middle of nowhere.
  • Turns out time and space also work differently on planet Claudio.
  • Say what you will about dead people, but they are handy with an axe. And a Molotov. And lightning. And a fist. Come to think of it, there are good reasons to be afraid of ghosts.
  • There are things that can be done with a corncob Playboy didn't prepare a guy for.
  • One should not think about the cholesterol when driving off goblins with the magic power of fast food.

 

2 comments:

Anarchivist said...

Hahaha! You are correct on every point, sir.

houseinrlyeh aka Denis said...

Claudio Fragasso never lies.