Tuesday, January 18, 2011

I Watched Troll 2 (1990), And Here's What I Learned

  • There are Little People, and then there are Little People of the Night.
  • Laura Gemser became a costume designer to take revenge for her work with Joe D'Amato. Her anger is a terrible thing to behold.
  • Never trust a mad-looking girl with pencilled-on freckles.
  • Half plant, half man, full nutrition.
  • Grandpa Seth is just an invention of Claudio Fragasso's subconscious.
  • Teenagers and goblins are basically the same thing.
  • Friends are the cause of virginity.
  • There's no family trouble that can't be repressed by loudly singing "Row Your Boat", and ten years of therapy later on.
  • Grandfatherly ghosts are so badly paid they have to moonlight as hobos.
  • All farmers are going to bed before sundown.
  • Some people will eat the green goo but not the boyish urine.
  • You can't piss on hospitality.
  • Spears work differently on planet Claudio.
  • "My ancestors came from Stonehenge" is a potential way to introduce oneself.
  • Even ghosts can have a bad sense of direction.
  • Coffee is the devil's drink. Goblins prefer milk.
  • "Nilbog" is "goblin" spelled backwards. Dr. Acula approves of this message.
  • The vegetarian cannibal religion is more complex than anyone could have suspected.
  • There are no beautiful liberated girls in the middle of nowhere.
  • Turns out time and space also work differently on planet Claudio.
  • Say what you will about dead people, but they are handy with an axe. And a Molotov. And lightning. And a fist. Come to think of it, there are good reasons to be afraid of ghosts.
  • There are things that can be done with a corncob Playboy didn't prepare a guy for.
  • One should not think about the cholesterol when driving off goblins with the magic power of fast food.



Anarchivist said...

Hahaha! You are correct on every point, sir.

houseinrlyeh aka Denis said...

Claudio Fragasso never lies.