Things I Learned From "Birdemic - Shock and Terror" My Momma Never Told Me

• You're not a real Mary Sue until you are a super successful software salesman whose company is going to be bought out by Oracle who is also into green energy, a totally nice guy everybody loves and able to charm the pants off of a newly minted Victoria's Secret model with your honesty, your wit and your ability to listen to what she says (that mostly shows in your talking and talking and talking about yourself) and you're also able to survive the birdpocalypse. It also helps if you are actually having the sort of charisma and personality usually reserved for wooden baskets.
• Acting is what happens when people's lips move.
• Mister Film invented the camera so that we could watch people driving around.
• Fashion modelling shoots are usually done in photo shops situated in one of the side streets of a typical US small town.
• US small towns have names like "Main Street". Though they might also be called "Half Moon Bay".
• Sound editing is done with a hatchet.
• Birds are those digital animals that attack people by hovering in the air without ever actually attacking them.
• Some birds make bomber noises and explode.
• In an emergency, it's best to just drive around town in a van and wildly shoot your assault rifle out of said van's window.
• All Americans are sharpshooters.
• In a few years, the children acting in this film will sue the producers for mental cruelty. Unless the children are as zombified as they look. In that case, they're just going to eat the producers' hearts - brains are of course totally unavailable.
• Global warming is responsible for bird flu.
• In the last few years, forty species have died out from global warming.
• Scientists who study birds are called "ontologists". It's because they are all about the ontology of birds.
• Humans are the worst animals of all; unless an eagle is trying to kill you.
• We should all act more like astronauts. And just give peace a chance.
• One peck to the head and you're dead. Better be careful when emptying your bladder in a field during the birdpocalypse.
• Nobody told the drivers of all those cars merrily going their ways in the background that the evil birds of evil are attacking, so nothing's going to happen to them.
• Eagles are well-known for their ability to puke acid.
• Evil eagle number seven has reached rogue level 12, so he's getting a +4 bonus to in flight throat-cutting attempts. Chicks just love it.
• Trees are endangered by the barf beetle. And forest fires that start somewhere in the air. I blame djinni for the latter.
• I'm sure it's pretty clever to keep the windows of your car open during the birdpocalypse. If you're trying to win the Darwin Awards.
• Seaweed is Mother Nature's greatest gift; Happy Meals are the greatest gift of the fast-food industry.
• For a species that's threatened by extinction, there are a lot of eagles around. I suppose digital eagles just have an easier time reproducing. It's called "copying" in digital bird science (digitology), I think.
• There's still life in the old bizarrely naive crap film genre.

 

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