I Watched Troll 2 (1990), And Here's What I Learned

• There are Little People, and then there are Little People of the Night.
• Laura Gemser became a costume designer to take revenge for her work with Joe D'Amato. Her anger is a terrible thing to behold.
• Never trust a mad-looking girl with pencilled-on freckles.
• Half plant, half man, full nutrition.
• Grandpa Seth is just an invention of Claudio Fragasso's subconscious.
• Teenagers and goblins are basically the same thing.
• Friends are the cause of virginity.
• There's no family trouble that can't be repressed by loudly singing "Row Your Boat", and ten years of therapy later on.
• Grandfatherly ghosts are so badly paid they have to moonlight as hobos.
• All farmers are going to bed before sundown.
• Some people will eat the green goo but not the boyish urine.
• You can't piss on hospitality.
• Spears work differently on planet Claudio.
• "My ancestors came from Stonehenge" is a potential way to introduce oneself.
• Even ghosts can have a bad sense of direction.
• Coffee is the devil's drink. Goblins prefer milk.
• "Nilbog" is "goblin" spelled backwards. Dr. Acula approves of this message.
• The vegetarian cannibal religion is more complex than anyone could have suspected.
• There are no beautiful liberated girls in the middle of nowhere.
• Turns out time and space also work differently on planet Claudio.
• Say what you will about dead people, but they are handy with an axe. And a Molotov. And lightning. And a fist. Come to think of it, there are good reasons to be afraid of ghosts.
• There are things that can be done with a corncob Playboy didn't prepare a guy for.
• One should not think about the cholesterol when driving off goblins with the magic power of fast food.

 

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